It has been nearly a year since I wrote, not for lack of things to write about. Actually, I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what I am worth… What are you worth?
I can read the Bible and see how much God loves me, how much God values me, how I am worth more than gold, and so on. I can read inspirational quotes, and blog posts, and articles – all telling me that I am worthy of self care and deserve more for myself.
I am intelligent enough to know that if I don’t take care of myself, I get too run down to take care of the kids and house. I know that not taking care of myself leaves me open to illness, anxiety, and depression. I know each of those leads to weight gain, more anxiety, more depression, and more illness.
I know the cycle… Oh, do I know that cycle. It is a cycle of hurricane force winds that is hard to escape, and yet it is so easy to find myself trapped in.
So, I sit here, battling the cycle as I write. I feel myself gripping my anchor as the winds begin to swirl, the storms grow stronger as I give one excuse after another. My fingers are slipping, I could let go and let the storm carry me. It feels like it would be so much easier… easier to let the temptations of food, sleep, and anxiety pull me away from the security of the anchor that keeps me stable during the storms of life.
I could let Satan convince me that I am a horrible mother, that I have created our parenting challenges, that I am the whole reason our family suffers in different ways. I could let Satan just pull me right into the strongest part of the storms, where chaos abounds and stability is never found. It’d be easy to sit in my bed, eating bon bons, watching tv, and missing out on the real joy of life. After all, there is some sense of security found in one’s bed. False security, not peace, nor joy, nor stability.
Oh, Satan, you sneaky devil … you know just where to make me question and just how to make the eye of the storm seem safe, don’t you? You know just how to tempt me to jump in with both feet. And, as I sit here battling that temptation, I realize, I think I am already there.
My fingers are getting weaker, more tired, and I am closer to letting go of my anchor.
I start to think about my gratitude list from the last year. Even on the hardest days, I’ve been able to identify at least three things to list. Some days, that list has simply been, God. I have those things to list because I am worth more!
My Heavenly Father believes that I am worthy of those gifts, those things for which I have been so grateful. I am worthy of talking to him, giving him my problems, letting him take care of all of these earthly storms that are thrown my direction.
I am worth more, and so are you!!
Tomorrow: Holding my anchor…