It has been 3 years, 5 months, and 14 days since we picked D up from the residential treatment facility.
I will never forget the feelings I had leading up to that placement!
I will never forget the day the insurance called and said they were no longer going to pay because of an investigation.
I will never forget standing by the facility and changing his insurance.
I will never forget pleading with the facility to allow him to stay and then eating the exorbitant copay. The one we could not afford , especially in addition to making an 8 hour trip, each way, twice a month.
I will never forget the phone call saying the new insurance had decided he needs to come home.
I will never forget crying because only a couple of visits before we had a horrible experience.
I will never forget crying because everyone agreed he needed to stay, but insurance didn’t care.
I will never forget thinking it would be a wonderful day, we would celebrate his graduation from the program, we would have our precious boy back.
I will never forget picking him up and it was so anti-climactic.
I will never forget the epic meltdown before we got home, or the one after that, or the one after that…or the one this morning…
But I did…
As the decisions have turned towards the possibility of another residential placement, I have had realization…
The fear, confusion, second guessing, conflict, angst, memories, emotions…they all came rushing back.
I realize that I am wondering…
Did I forget to pray?
Did I pray wrong?
Did I not pray enough?
Did I pray selfishly?
Are my prayers not enough?
If the Bible says, ‘ask and you will receive’, why isn’t my son’s anger and anxiety gone?
If the Bible says, ‘where 2 or more gather’, why doesn’t it feel like God has been listening?
When my prayers aren’t enough, I have to pray some more.
I have to pray for D to have the supernatural, experiential transformation. I have to pray that his heart and soul will experience the kind of transformation that can only come from a personal encounter between him and God.
My feelings are all rushing back, but this time as much as my heart aches, I see that there is so much more than what is seen on the outside. This time, my heart aches, but I know what has to happen deeper than any mama, daddy, or therapist can reach. This time, in addition to all of those things, I realize that it is a true struggle between good and evil… It is a struggle that only D can overcome by opening his heart, desiring change, and allowing himself to meet the Holy Spirit in the darkest areas of his heart and experience a spiritual transformation.
And until then, I pray because my prayers are enough and more often than not, that conversation with the Almighty Creator is all I have.