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I heard this song for the first time at least 15 years ago when my brother, Josh, sang it in church. This song was so powerful, watching Josh sing it had an emotional impact, but I had no idea the long term impact that would come from this song. This song creeps into my heart and mind often, especially where my beautiful D is concerned.
When D returned from RTC, he was still not completely stable. We increased his abilify and could see a huge difference. Once we had that, we decided to tweak his anxiety meds because while he was much more stable, he was still very anxious and we attributed his inability to cope in school to the intense anxiety. We hoped that by tweaking his meds he would be able to manage his anxiety more easily, make it back to school, and hopefully make his counseling and therapy sessions more beneficial since he would be able to fully participate.
Unfortunately, trying to tweak his anxiety medication sent him into a whirlwind of instability. He has started raging in ways that he did before RTC. We are seeing him lash out, scream and yell, curse, knocking furniture over, etc. We are truly back to the explosive tantrums we were dealing with. This is not the little boy we’ve had for the last few months, this is the little boy we had before.
Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Yes, God is my strength! God is the anchor that holds me in place during the storms of life. During the storm we are in right now, God is holding my family in place.
I have spent so much time praying since the week before Thanksgiving. I have begged God to help us figure out how to best address D’s medication issues. I have asked God to continue blessing me with strength, patience, the ability to be graceful and compassionate through D’s challenging times. I have been trying to teach the kids how to pray and I hear the girls praying for the same thing, “Dear God, please help us to have a good day tomorrow and help D make good choices and be nice to everyone tomorrow.” I am proud that they are praying, but heartbroken that those words are in their prayers.
God’s strength is prevailing. While things might not be perfect, God has taken us from several long, difficult evenings of crying, thrashing around on the floor, and explosive tantrums. Tonight, for the first time in a week or more, D was asleep before 9pm. We added a new anxiety medication today, earlier this week we increased one of his other medications. I am praying that God has helped us to find the right medication combo to help D, and that my beautiful boy will find the peace and happiness I had started to see in him.
This morning, I felt hopeless and helpless. Tonight, after seeing the changes already in place, and lots of prayer, I am once again seeing hope. I pray that the change tonight carries over through tomorrow, and long term, and that D is able to truly grow and start to enjoy life again.
In the meantime, I am continuing to praise God for holding my family in place, loving us, and being our strength.