Looking out the window right now, I see a very similar view. It’s dark, cloudy, gloomy…much like the way I feel right now. I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m heartbroken.
I have worked so hard to get D to school. He has always had school anxiety, but never has it been like this. It just seems to get worse no matter how hard we try to make things better. The school has tried to help. His principal bought him a Darth Vader mask that makes noise. She reserved a nook just for him and put Star Wars books on it, again just for him. This morning the coach offered to let him work out in the gym every morning before school. We have bought him pricey Lego kits that I never thought I would be willing to purchase. We have bribed him, we have punished him, we have carried him out of the house half dressed. We have bruises to show where we have fought him to get him into the car. I have driven with him unbuckled to prove that I would do whatever it took (and feeling sick the whole way).
It’s just not working!
The school level professionals keep telling me that pulling him out of school would not necessarily be in his best interest. It would feed his anxiety, create a more serious level of anxiety for him in the future.
The mental health level professionals, therapist/psychiatrist, are saying maybe it is something we should consider. Maybe we need to get his anxiety under control and then look at re-enrolling him in public school.
The mommy level professional tells me that whatever I do, I have to do something different for him. However, that level also tells me that I have to give the girls a break from him. His personality is so controlling (because of the anxiety that comes from his autism) that he tries to control every breath the girls take. They truly need a break from that, but I have no idea how to get that break for them…not with affordability anyway.
So, as I sit here feeling like the weeping willow, I am praying for God to show me the way. I can’t help but wonder if I was supposed to go to Ninevah, but instead went to Tarshish.