anxiety · asd · autism · HFA · home school · Jonah · Parenting

Weeping Willows

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Looking out the window right now, I see a very similar view. It’s dark, cloudy, gloomy…much like the way I feel right now. I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m heartbroken. 
I have worked so hard to get D to school. He has always had school anxiety, but never has it been like this. It just seems to get worse no matter how hard we try to make things better. The school has tried to help. His principal bought him a Darth Vader mask that makes noise. She reserved a nook just for him and put Star Wars books on it, again just for him. This morning the coach offered to let him work out in the gym every morning before school. We have bought him pricey Lego kits that I never thought I would be willing to purchase. We have bribed him, we have punished him, we have carried him out of the house half dressed. We have bruises to show where we have fought him to get him into the car. I have driven with him unbuckled to prove that I would do whatever it took (and feeling sick the whole way). 
It’s just not working!

The school level professionals keep telling me that pulling him out of school would not necessarily be in his best interest. It would feed his anxiety, create a more serious level of anxiety for him in the future. 
The mental health level professionals, therapist/psychiatrist, are saying maybe it is something we should consider. Maybe we need to get his anxiety under control and then look at re-enrolling him in public school. 
The mommy level professional tells me that whatever I do, I have to do something different for him. However, that level also tells me that I have to give the girls a break from him. His personality is so controlling (because of the anxiety that comes from his autism) that he tries to control every breath the girls take. They truly need a break from that, but I have no idea how to get that break for them…not with affordability anyway. 

So, as I sit here feeling like the weeping willow, I am praying for God to show me the way. I can’t help but wonder if I was supposed to go to Ninevah, but instead went to Tarshish

5 thoughts on “Weeping Willows

  1. Lena, i feel for you. You know that. I too suffer from horrible anxiety. Sometimes to a point where my anxiety is debilitating. Let me shed a bit of light on this. Anxiety is chaos. PURE chaos. There is no sense of reality. Only panic. Everything is jumbled. It's like looking through a kaleidoscope and trying to read. You can't bribe anxiety away. Nor can you punish it. Anxiety can take hold of your entire body and hold you hostage. I have been battling this for 17 years. I'm not on the spectrum, but i'm worried that D is going to really start pushing you away the more you push him to do what he's not capable of. My anxiety took its toll on my marriage. Tom was trying to HELP, yet I kept pushing him away because I felt he was HURTING me rather than HELPING me. Turns out, he had to learn how to help, and I had to learn how to communicate. D is so young. You're not on a time table with him as far as time running out and school no longer being there. School is going to be there for D for a long time. You'll never overcome this anxiety with D, if you don't figure out what is driving it.

    Temple Grandin said it best. Education is important. School is not. Stop forcing these kids that have debilitating anxiety to go to school. You're NOT helping them.

  2. I think you're exactly right, Rhonda. I also suffer from anxiety and even with my zoloft (which truly gives me my lifeline some days) I still have days that the anxiety is or is almost debilitating. (Today is one of those days. 🙁 ) I know what I need to do for him, but I have to figure out what to do for the girls too. I can't afford to send them both to preschool/daycare, but they HAVE to have a break to be able to live happily with him too. I think am going to call HeadStart and see if they would qualify for that. They may or may not, but if they do, it would give them something of their own away from him.

  3. Yeah, I struggled with that for Brianna. We could never afford to put her in Daycare either. She so needed it. At that point, Tom was working 2 jobs and me 1 job just to have the extra $$ for her to go to daycare. It only lasted 2 months though. I have so much guilt inside for not being able to do 100% for Brianna.. which is why she wants for NOTHING. At the time, we really thought these treatments for Tommy would work eventually. They never did. I really hope Head Start works out. I know what you mean.. the others need their sanity. Keeping my fingers crossed that they're able to get into Head Start. <3

  4. I'm praying for you as you make these difficult decisions—to do what's right for ALL your children. If I were closer, I'd help you with the little ones! <3

  5. I'm sorry about D's anxiety taking such strong hold of him and I'm really hoping Headstart can give the girls the relief you know they need. I don't know if you have Easter Seals Respite Care where you are or how exactly it works but they may be able to provide some care for the girls while you focus on homeschool for D. You are always in my prayers. <3

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