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Held Hostage

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At 4:50 this morning, I woke up to find that the power was out. After looking to see if the neighbors had power and reporting the outage, I began to tackle my morning in the dark.

I couldn’t make breakfast since we had no cereal and I couldn’t cook.  Frustrating, but at least D can eat at school and the girls and Samoo can eat when we get power back.

I used my phone as light to see in the dryer to get D some clothes, then again to find him some socks. I gave him his 5 minute warning and went back to the bedroom to get Chad up. On the way down the hall I stumbled on a sandal and stubbed my toe.

Pouty had an accident in the bed, so I used my phone for light to find her some clothes. She changed while Chad got dressed for work.

We tried to get D up again, but were being met with opposition. He has a science test and while he studied, he was not fully prepared (at least in his mind). Add in the pouring rain and the dark, this was not a huge surprise. We are met with more opposition over smaller issues on a regular basis.

I put all three little ones in the car and Chad gave D one more chance to get his shoes on. He refused, so Chad told him that he would carry him to the car because we really had to go so he would not be late for work again. I grabbed the shoes and backpack, Chad carried D who had it in his mind that he was not going to school.

On the way, he fussed because he was cold I was hot, but he finally fell asleep. Since he was asleep, I drove straight to the school after dropping Chad off. As I pulled into the parking lot, I handed him his shoes and told him to put them on. He put them on, but refused to get out of the car. I used the “choices” parenting style that I’ve become an expert at using tried to use faithfully for a couple of years and said, “D when you choose not to get out of the car, you choose for me to call the principal and ask for help.” I’ll spare you the rest of the conversation, but I called.

A very nice lady walked out and talked to him, after a lot of negotiation he agreed to go in and wait for his teachers to get his work together so he could do it at home. Although, he agreed, he took my keys with him to be sure I would not leave and stood by the front windows so he could watch me the whole time.

I called Chad and joked about being held hostage at the school by D. The very nice lady walked back out and gave me my keys, telling me that he has agreed to stay after some negotiations with her, the principal, and his teachers. Chad laughed and said for me to be sure to thank the hostage negotiation team at his school.

Yes, we joked about this, but this has to be almost as stressful as when he has an explosive tantrum.

Tantrum, as defined by Kernerman English Multilingual Dictionary (2006-2010), is defined as a fit of extreme rage, with eg shouting and stamping.

An explosive tantrum, as defined by my family, is a fit of extreme rage, with shouting, stamping, cursing, hitting,biting, kicking, throwing furniture, knocking over furniture, kicking holes in the walls, tearing up books and papers, and breaking other items. 

The girls were quivering in their seats, I felt sick to my stomach, my ulcer is still on fire. Just this week, we have been given papers saying that with one more absence I would be taken to court. If he missed school again after court, it is possible that I could lose my children. The same person was condescending towards me in regards to how I deal with him. She asked me the question that everyone else asks, “Can’t you just make him go?” If only it were that easy, but it is not. Please refer to the definition of an explosive tantrum. That is what we deal with when we try to force him, I have bruises to prove it. 
What makes this even harder is, while I joked about being held hostage by him, I was thinking about him. My beautiful, intelligent, amazing son is held hostage in his world all the time. What’s worse is, he is held hostage by his own brain, his own body. He is held hostage in a world of self inflicted anxiety and worry. He can’t break free from his chains that prevent him from being the happy, free little boy that he deserves to be. 
So, yes, sometimes I have to find something to laugh about while I am Embracing the Crazy, it does not make it less intense. It does not remove my frustration, anxiety, or heartbreak from the situation. More importantly, it does not remove D’s frustration and anxiety. The laughter does not take the place of his hostage negotiation team (2 therapists, a psychiatrist, 2 amazing teachers, a principal who is doing her best, a school psychologist, Chad, and me) that works together in hopes of one day being able to free him from the bondage that he experiences internally every minute of his life. 
With some phone calls from our advocate, this threats have been removed. We are no longer in jeopardy of going to court or suffering any other repercussions from his absences since they are a manifestation of his disabilities.

5 thoughts on “Held Hostage

  1. Your Advocate is fantastic. There is no way in HECK you should have "court" lingering in your mind when you've got all of this going on. I really hope they're able to find a way to break these chains for D. He's such a beautiful boy that has SO much potential once he figures out how to cope. You're in my thoughts so much!

  2. Thank God for your advocate. Those laws are in place for negligent or uncaring parents who have no idea their child is missing school and probably don't care. They are *not* without interpretation and they are *not* for families like yours.

  3. Rhonda, thank you so much! Knowing that I can text you and say, "GOOD GRIEF!?" and you get it is such a comfort!

    Katy, you know my advocate very well. She's the best! You're right about the reason for the laws. I love you and miss you and Ick!

  4. Hugs, Lena! I'm sorry your Friday got off to such a rough start, but I'm glad D went to school today. I'm still praying for all of you.

  5. Oh my goodness! Yes, laugh, girl, laugh to relieve the anxiety! I love the analogy of the "hostage". You have such a huge support network there – in the midst of the difficulty, there is a lot of good going on!

    I really didn't realize how much trouble D was having putting himself in the environment of the school! I'm glad they can see now that it is a part of his disability. It sounds like he needs lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement for the good stuff!

    Going back to where you were – you've come so far. God is sooo looking out for all of you – I see good all over this post!! Big HUGS to you!!

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