|February/March 2011 Prior to RTC placement|
March 21, 2011 was the most difficult day of my life.
It was the day that I felt my world crumbling around me. My world fell apart, my heart broke, and I left my life in another state.
It was the day that I entrusted my son, my beautiful, innocent, but hurting little boy to someone else.
March 21, 2011 was the day that we admitted D into his residential treatment facility.
The emotions of that day cannot be adequately explained. While I believed that I was leaving him there because he would receive the therapy and treatment to help him be successful, I also believed that I was leaving him in a facility with children who had problems that made his look minor. I believed that leaving him there would give him the skills to help him self regulate his behavior and emotions, but I also believed that I was leaving him in the hands of people who might not do what I would do as his Mama.
I was excited about the possibilities that could come from his time at his treatment center, but I was also terrified and heartbroken.
I walked out of the front doors of his facility, I got in the driver’s seat of the van, and like a robot I started driving. I drove until Samoo started fussing and Chad took over. As long as I drove, I could focus on other things, but once I stopped driving I had all the time to think about what I had just done
to for my beautiful little boy. I fought the tears, I fought the desires to scream, yell, and kick the back of the seats in the van the way D had done in the past.
I did well, until the phone rang.
“Lena, this is the person your son will bond with in a way you never dreamed of, I just wanted you to know, he’s having a really hard time. He did fine at first, but quickly fell apart. He has cried, begged for you to come get him. He is scared. I wanted to let you know before you talk to him. It will break your heart. He has gone to take his shower and then I will let him call you.”
I hung up the phone and I fell apart. I
cried sobbed. I sobbed one of those ugly, snot dripping, dry heaving, snorting cries. I cried for at least an hour, I’m not sure how I breathed through those sobs, I’m not sure how Chad safely drove, frankly, I’m not sure what happened during that time, other than I sat in the back seat and sobbed. Remembering the heartbreak that I felt because my baby was so heartbroken and scared has my chest tight and has me on the verge of one of those ugly, sobbing cries right now. The fear and abandoned feeling my baby must have felt that day is so heartbreaking.
A little while after I had regained my composure my baby called. He cried, he begged me to come back, he begged me not to leave him, he promised me he would never do anything inappropriate again, he promised me all of the promises that I knew he wanted to keep, but would not be able to. Oh, the heartbreak that comes from hearing your baby cry, beg, and promise.
God knows, if I had not been back home by then, I would have turned the car around. Being out of the car is the only thing that gave me the strength…God knew that I could not talk to him from the car. God knew that if I had been driving, I would have turned around and gone back. God made that phone call come later than expected to keep my weakness from being the winning force at that moment. God was in control at that moment.
God has, through the last 4.5 months stayed in control. God is always in control.
God provided D with the most amazing therapist. He provided D with a therapist that he bonded with in a way that I could only have dreamed of. She gave D the opportunity to learn about himself, about his strengths and weaknesses. She gave him the opportunity to learn how to use his strengths to compensate for his weaknesses. She gave him the opportunity to learn about trusting others outside of his family. She also gave him the opportunity to learn to trust himself. She gave D the opportunity of a lifetime, she gave him the opportunity for a lifetime.
God also provided D with a doctor and an entire staff of people who understood him. God provided him with people that he learned to trust, that he learned to look to for support. God provided him with an amazing group of people who helped to instill all of the things that The World’s Most Amazing Therapist was teaching him.
While God was providing for D on a personal level, he was also providing for him on a level that D may never understand. I wrote about the problems we faced here, here, and here. We nearly, on several occasions, have had to move him. We have nearly had to rip him away from the only people he has ever bonded with outside of us, his family. We have begged, pleaded, cried, poured our hearts out, and been blessed in amazing ways during his time there.
The powers that be at his treatment center have blessed us in more ways than I can ever express. They have helped us to keep him there from a financial stand point. That, too, was God’s work. God placed an amazing executive team, including a God fearing Christian in the position of Chief Financial Officer at the facility. This man blessed us with the ability to leave our son where he had bonded and was making leaps and bounds towards reaching his goals for discharge.
At the same time, there were some rocky moments. Insurance has made us jump through fiery hoops to keep the funding coming. Through the entire thing, D’s treatment center has been amazing. They have been supportive and helpful, they have done everything they can to ensure that D would continue to receive the care he needed.
|July 16, 2011 Taken while in his RTC|
Now, it is time for another transition. We have been planning for D to come home around the time school starts this year. School starts August 17th. So, it is time for my amazing son to come home.
Honestly, the emotions are just as mixed today as they were the day that we took him. I am thrilled beyond belief that my beautiful baby boy will be home, we will finally be a complete family again, all of my children will be under one roof again, and I will be able to see my beautiful son every day. I will be able to hug him, tell him I love him, and hear him say the same in person every single day.
However, I’m terrified at the same time. While I know that he has made huge improvements, I know that he has learned many coping skills, I know that he has worked diligently to put those skills into practice, I also know that he has a long road ahead of him. We have a long road ahead of us.
It doesn’t matter, though.
God is just as in control today as He was the day that we left D at the center and has continued to be for the last several months.
God knows that it is time for D to come home. He knows that it is time for D to reintegrate into the family that has loved him since before he was born.
God is in control of everything, every moment, every breath. Every moment, every breath, I will trust God to help us as we continue our journey. Every moment, every breath, I will praise God’s name and forever be thankful for the gift He has given me in my amazing son, my other children, my wonderful husband, and all of my other blessings.
August 5, 2011 will be a beautiful day. It will be a day of continued mixed emotions, but a beautiful day, nonetheless.
August 5, 2011 is the day that my baby boy will be coming home. It will be the day he rejoins our family full time and the day that I will be crying tears of joy to have him home.