This video explains the love of God in a way that still leaves God’s love indescribable. This video also explains the love of a mother in a way that still leaves that love indescribable. How can they be so similar, yet so far from being the same?
With the love of God, I have the support of a strong shoulder that is of an incomprehensible size. God is holding me, while at this moment I feel like a grain of sand. I feel like I am slipping through His hands, but I know he is holding me tight and will protect my family at this time. I know this, but the human side of me is also scared, terrified in fact. I am so broken hearted and afraid of what is to come over the next several months. When we made this decision it was easy for me to live in denial, as long as it wasn’t happening, I could believe it would never happen. It is happening, though.
I am currently sitting in a bed in a hotel room. I sit here watching the clock and realizing that in just a few short hours, I will deliver my baby boy to someone else. I will leave him in the hands of people I don’t know, in fact, have never even met. I will meet part of this group of people for the first time when we arrive.
My fears are intense. I am terrified that someone, be it adult or child, will hurt my baby. I am terrified that he will think we are abandoning him. I am especially terrified that he will think we do not love him. For that reason, I am writing him a letter similar to the love letter from God in the song, “More” by Matthew West.
When you wake up in the morning, we will be fluttering to get all of our belongings together so we don’t abandon anything in the hotel room. We will be trying to hurry so that we do not miss the continental breakfast. We will look strong, look excited about what is to happen. We will do our best to explain how good this will be. We will tell you that going to this new school will help you academically so that you can show others how intelligent you are with your independent study time. We will tell you that we don’t know how long you will stay, but whatever the case, we know that when you come home, you’ll feel more like the “normal little boy” you wished to be a couple of weeks ago. You will know how to better control your emotions and behaviors, as well as learning how to more efficiently process the constant sensory input that you receive from the environment.
When you continue to tell us that you do not want to go, we will promise to call you every day. We will promise to send you pictures and letters. I will remind you that yes, I really will send those skinny jeans you asked for tonight. I will remind you about our new code for saying, “I love you” in case someone is listening to your phone conversation and you are embarrassed. I will try to tell you that I love you with our new code, but instead I will jump in the shower and stay for a while so that you will not hear my sobbing cries. Do you remember my running to the garage and quickly closing the door behind me today? The garage served the same purpose as my shower tomorrow morning.
My beautiful little boy, I will be praying for God to hold me. I will be praying for him to keep me close, to wrap his arms around me, and to remind me that He is in control. I will pray that he will hold my heart in a way that only God can hold it. I will also be praying for you. I will be praying that you are able to receive the most benefit from your new school. I will be praying that God helps you to learn the skills to lead you to a life of success. I will pray that God will hold you and hold your heart in a way that only God can.
Sweet boy, I pray that you know that Daddy and I have made this decision because we want what is best for you. We know that you want to be a “normal boy” and we want you to have that opportunity. We want you to have the opportunity to learn the new skills that we have been unable to help you learn. We want you to learn to self regulate in order to keep yourself and those around you feeling safe and secure.
My dear sweet boy, please know that just as God has promised that He is always thinking of us, I am always thinking of you. Just as we belong to God and shine for Him, you shine for me. You are my star and I hope that I am teaching you to shine the way God taught the stars to shine (Matthew West, 2003).
Most of all, my love, I want you to know that no matter what, “I’m not letting go, even when you come undone.” (2003) My beautiful son, I love you yesterday and today, I will love you forever. I love you, my beautiful boy, I will always love you. As God promises, wherever you are, there I am. That’s because I will forever be thinking of you. You will think of home and I will think of you.
Yes, dear love, I am terrified of what is to come tomorrow and in the next several months. However, I am also praying that God will hold all of us in His hands and keep us close to each other even while we are apart.
I love you more than life itself, dear love.
Love to you, Mommy