Listen to the words to this song. Read them here. Please.
Have you ever hit your knees to pray for your child? Have you ever begged God to heal your child? Have you ever dreamed of the child your son/daughter would like to be?
If I had a dime for every time I begged God to give me the answers to help Gmail. If I had a dime for every time I begged God to heal him, to rip away these problems he has. Oh, if I had those dimes I could fulfill that wish he predicted of moving to a bigger house. I have screamed at God, begged God, pleaded with God, bargained with God, I have done it all. I have outright told God, “You will heal my son!” There are probably times that I said it a bit more explicitly. It’s hard, dang gone it. It’s painful, gut wrenching, and darn near impossible to raise him. There are times that I honestly believe it’d be easier if he would just take my heart out and stomp on it over and over. However, all of that said, he is MY son. Did you read that? Did you see what it said?
HE IS MY SON! He’s mine! Not anyone else’s…ok, Chad’s son, God’s son, but he’s MY son, too.
If he were sick, if he had pneumonia, diabetes, kidney disease, God forbid, cancer, I would go to the ends of the earth to find the right treatment and help for him. If he had an illness, I would not stop at any point to get help for him to ‘be the boy he would like to be’. What makes mental illness/neurological illness (his diagnoses) any different?
If my girls and Samoo were sick, if they had pneumonia, diabetes, kidney disease, God forbid, cancer, I would go to the ends of the earth to find the right treatment and help for them. If they had an illness, I would not stop at any point to get help for them to be the children they would like to be. What makes Gmail’s mental illness/neurological illness any different?
Am I doing that for my children? Am I stopping when there is so much more I can do to help them? This has to be the most difficult part of parenting my children. Making the decisions for all of them.
Where is the line that says, “Ok, I want to keep my son in our home. I want to go through with this therapy in our home. I want to ensure that we are doing everything we can possibly do. I want to be sure we are not giving up on him.”
“I want to keep my girls and Samoo safe in our home. I want to go through with this therapy in our home. I want to ensure we are doing everything we can possibly do. I want to be sure we are not giving up on them.”
I have prayed for guidance on this. I have begged God to show me the way. I have talked to Chad, I have talked to my mom, I have talked to the therapist. We have danced around a potential decision for over a year. We have said it when we were in the depths of a hard day, but until this week, Chad and I never said it to each other. We never really said it.
It is that thing we never wanted to think about. That thing we never wanted to really consider. That thing we thought for sure we would never have to do. Afterall, we are essentially good parents. We are essentially stable. We thought for sure that meant we were essentially above making these types of decisions. We were not going to have that kid. We were not going to have to do it. We are above that, don’t you know?
We are not above it. We are going to have to do it. We have talked to the therapist, we have made the decision to do it. We have decided that we feel this is best. We need more help than we are getting. We need to do something to protect the girls and Samoo. We have found the line. We know where that line is and we are there. Frankly, to be honest, we have probably crossed the line. So, we are going to do it.
We have found the it that we hope to use. We have to have the therapists write up the reports, we have to have them do all of the paperwork and request the placement. At that point, which will not be tomorrow or the next day…It will not be next week, probably not next month, honestly…It will most likely be February at the earliest, but at that point we will do it.
We will put Gmail in a residential school. He will go to this school for both academics and intensive therapy. It is a lot like a boarding school, but with therapy. We will also work at home. We will be doing therapy, we will have therapy for the girls. We will do anything and everything possible to have our home and our family at a point that when he comes home, he will be successful here. He will be able to live with us, grow up and be a productive citizen in society. We will work diligently to make this possible and to ensure both the success of him, but the success of our family as well.
So, there you have it…I have swallowed my pride. I have torn my heart out. I have blamed myself. I have blamed genetics. I have denied it. I have ignored it.
I have come to terms with it.
We are doing this. We are doing it for him. We are doing it for the girls and Samoo. We are doing it for our family. We are doing it because we feel that it is the right thing to do for all of our children at this point.
On behalf of my beautiful son, my other children, my husband, my family as a whole, myself…I am asking for you to pray for us. I am asking for you to support us. I am asking for no horror stories. I am asking for you to hold my hand when I ask you to, help me to know that I am doing what is best. I am asking for you not to bring it up on Facebook or other social media outlets. If you are family or if you are a friend that I talk to on a regular basis, please don’t say anything about it. In fact, please don’t bring it up unless I bring it up.
Until you have walked in my shoes, you have no idea what our life is like. I am praising God that HE is in my shoes with me. I am praising God knowing that HE is carrying us through this. I am praising God for all of the comfort and love and strength he gives me. Without God, I could not make this decision. Without God, I would be even more lost and scared than I am now. Without God, I have no idea just what it would feel like and for that, I am grateful.
“Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.” Job 4:4