Asperger’s, ODD, ADHD. Those are the three diagnoses that currently attach themselves to Gmail. Those are the three things that identify why he behaves the way he does, why he is angry, sad, unable to control his emotions, unable to control his body, unable to stop before acting. These are the three things that identify why we work so hard to keep him on an even keel, yet still fail daily.
They are the three things that identify why I find myself standing between him and his sisters, or why I find myself holding him while he cries out telling me that he hates me and hates everyone in our family; while he tells me that he wishes he was with his “real mama” because “she wouldn’t treat me this way”. Oh my gosh, how those words hurt. I know it is because he knows it will hurt me that he uses them, he throws them like daggers straight into my heart.
God gave me this beautiful baby boy. This beautiful baby who, after a day of out of control anger and emotions, comes into my room during the darkest part of the night. The beautiful baby boy with the sweet, soft voice that says, “Mommy…” Oh how that word melts me. No matter what kind of day we’ve had, he is still my baby boy. God gave me this beautiful baby boy that then says, “…can I get in bed with you? I had a bad dream.” And? Yes, Chad and I let him. We let him get in bed with us, we hold him and tell him we love him. We hug him, and we dream of the days that we were able to hold him the way we did when he was an infant.
Today was one of those days. In fact, this has been one of those weeks. It’s only Tuesday night and it has been a hard week. I am tired, I am weary, and I have been asking myself all sorts of questions that I don’t think I’d ever share here. Questions that are between God and me…well, and I did ask Chad one tonight. He just put his head down…it was a rhetorical question, but he knew that my heart really felt what I said. My heart really does feel that way when times are hard with Gmail. I love my baby boy, I’d do anything in this world for my baby boy, but I love my girls and Samoo too. After days like today, I wonder how I am supposed to go on, what the future holds and how I will assure the younger children I did everything I could. Today was…one of those days.
After the kids went to bed, I cleaned a bit and I had every intention of sitting down to write a blog post about my brother, Jared, and what happened with him over the weekend. I had every intention of writing another blog post for later in the week about when Gmail predicted my three wishes if I ever rubbed a Genie’s lamp. Instead, I turned on Pandora. I clicked on my Praise & Worship channel, and I sat here. I listened, I read a blog, caught up on twitter, read some Bible verses, but I mostly just sat here.
I opened my heart to God, I opened my mind and my soul. I listened to the music and let it, and God, mend my heart. I praised God, I thanked God for my blessings, I thanked God for my children, my husband, my family. I praised God for the support I have in friends, both real life and internet friends. I just praised His name and, as he promised, He has mended my heart.